A friend, Sarah Buttenweiser, who contributes frequently to a variety of on-line news sources and blogs, alerted me to a first person piece in today’s DAILY HAMPSHIRE GAZETTE by a veteran of the War in Iraq. It is titled, “BROTHERS IN ARMS” and subtitled, “A Soldier Comes Home, Still in the Grasp of Iraq.” It is an eloquent account by William Quinn of his homecoming and the very strange an unsettling experience he has of witnessing an America essentially disengaged from the war. He then proceeds to share some of his war experience and the effects it has had upon his psyche. I was reminded from the outset of the piece, when he describes arriving in the Detroit Airport, of many of the stories I was told by Vietnam veterans, about how out of place and surreal they felt when they got back to the States after a tour of duty in ‘Nam. The disorientation, the sense that America was completely unaware of what was going on in Southeast Asia and the disconnect between what was expected here vs. there was comprehensively disconcerting and it is going on for thousands of men and women again now. Here is one man’s take and it certainly deserves our attention and, upon reading, reflection.
As I was about to copy the piece into the blog I saw that it had received one comment on www.gazettenet.com I believe the writer of the comment somehow missed the great stress this former soldier is experiencing since he wrote: “You wanna be a hero? Stop participating in the war machine that’s killing thousands of innocent people. THAT’S a hero.” I certainly can appreciate the sentiment behind this comment, but if only it were so simple to unburden one’s self of what the war does to one’s psyche and become an anti-war proponent. Here’s the Quinn story:
The only feeling I’ve ever had that was more surreal than arriving in a war zone was returning from one. I came home on R&R in 2005 after eight months in Iraq. Heading for baggage claim in Detroit, I watched travelers walking and talking on their cellphones, chatting with friends and acting just the way people had before I’d left for Baghdad. The war didn’t just seem to be taking place in another country; it seemed to be taking place in another universe.
There I was, in desert camouflage, wondering how all the intensity, the violence, the tears and the killing of Iraq could really be happening at the same time all these people were hurrying to catch their flights to Las Vegas or Los Angeles or wherever.
Riding home that day with my parents, I felt nervous, too exposed in their Ford Taurus. There was no armor on the car, and it felt light. At every red light and stop sign I saw potential dangers everywhere, even though I-94 heading into the city was nothing like Baghdad’s Airport Road. There were no torched trucks or craters left by bomb blasts. The neatness of it all made me uncomfortable. Staying alive shouldn’t be so easy.
Two years after Iraq I have a different life, as a college student. But some of those feelings are still with me. After a year in a conflict of such enormous complexity, I find college a bit mundane, and it’s inexplicable to me that people here seem entirely untouched by the war.
On Sept. 11, 2001, everyone said that day would change the lives of all Americans. I was then a trainee in the interrogation course at the Army Intelligence Center at Fort Huachuca, Ariz. At 18, I had dropped out of college and joined the Army because I felt that my life lacked discipline and direction. Six years later, 9/11 seems to have had little effect on most people’s lives. But it has had an enormous effect on mine.
I arrived in Iraq in March 2005. My unit hurried onto a Chinook helicopter at Baghdad International Airport in the middle of the night. I was weighted down with more than 100 pounds of gear, and I never managed to strap myself in. Helicopters are violent machines, and we shook as we lifted into the air. The rear door was open, a machine gunner suspended over the ramp, and the lights on the ground receded as we flew off, like the scenery behind a taxi in an old movie. Soon we were over a field of tents, lit up under spotlights as bright as day. We had arrived at Abu Ghraib.
I spent the next 11/2 months at that prison complex outside Baghdad. By then, the interrogation rules had changed substantially after the stories of abuse there came out in mid-2004. We were permitted to sit across from a detainee and talk to him – everything else was banned. This was a good rule. Torture is easy to justify. Interrogators assume everyone they question is culpable; it’s part of the job. If a detainee can’t provide information because he has none, the temptation to slip into brutality is very present. Without rules I might have been brutal, but I never so much as raised my voice to a detainee.
On April 2, 2005, Abu Ghraib was attacked by dozens of insurgents armed with vehicle-borne bombs, rockets, mortars, rocket-propelled grenades and Kalashnikovs. It was terrifying – but also exhilarating. I learned that I was capable of functioning through my fear, and that I could place my life, with absolute confidence, in the hands of my fellow soldiers.
I spent a few hours that night in an inner tower with Marines who responded to the rockets and small-arms fire with 50-caliber machine guns. I watched as a man in a tractor was killed by machine-gun fire and as a group of trucks was stopped by a barrage of bullets from the tower guards. Later that night, I interrogated some of the men who had been in those trucks. A few had been wounded; all were frightened. They were fish deliverymen, caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. The man in the tractor turned out to be a suicide bomber. It’s nearly impossible to tell the enemy from the innocent.
After Abu Ghraib I was transferred to Camp Cropper, near Baghdad International Airport. Over the next year, I spoke with hundreds of detainees: members of al-Qaida, Baathists, Sunni nationalist insurgents and Shiite insurgents. I listened to their life stories, and I wrote hundreds of reports about their experiences.
My interrogations lasted weeks, sometimes months. The long-term nature of our conversations forced me to see the men I interrogated as human beings. Most were Iraqi. Many were extremely intelligent, and some had had a great deal of formal education. Some were forthcoming with information; some were not. They all remain in my thoughts, and I’m sometimes surprised by my feelings. Recently, I read in the International Herald Tribune that a man I’d interrogated had been executed in Baghdad. If anyone ever deserved execution, it was he. But I still felt a pang of regret. His life, for all its horrors, mattered to me.
The Army discharged me in July 2006, and I began Georgetown University that August. What a difference. People on campus don’t think about the war very much. It rarely comes up in conversation. One student actually told me to stop thinking about Iraq. “You need to get rid of all that baggage and let yourself live,” she said. “We need to be shallow sometimes.”
After my first semester, I decided to rejoin the Army by signing up with the ROTC. I felt guilty for having done only one tour in Iraq while friends of mine have done two or three. And I didn’t want to forget the war. I may be prejudiced, but many of my college peers seem self-absorbed. I didn’t want to end up like that.
Students’ true priorities are demonstrated by their daily activities: They have friends to meet, parties to attend, internships to work at, classes to attend. They’re under pressure to build a strong resume for whatever company or graduate school they apply to after college. They’re under no pressure to be concerned about those who are less fortunate – or those who fight wars on their behalf.
I have a lot of respect for my professors and peers. But there are still days when I think about what it must be like back in Baghdad – and wonder whether that’s where I should be.
William Quinn, who is majoring in international politics and security studies at Georgetown University, served in Iraq from 2005 to 2006.